Dear Mother
As a child you took care of me to the best of your abilities. You fed me, clothed me, housed me and imparted to me, your wisdom.
You taught me what You believed was right and condemed what you believed was wrong.
As a little child I listened, of course I did, you were so big in my eyes, you were my mum.
I am now 16, which is not that old, but still old enough to stand on my own, without you and your...wisdom.
In my eyes you are a failure. In my eyes you are pathetic. Small.
You are, all that I would hate to be, and I would do anything not to become you.
I always told you that I would end up better than this family, and you told me 'good'. I already see myself as above them, above you.
Though I may sound conceited I don't care, anyone would be when compared to you.
You revel in obscurity, you blame everyone but yourselves for your failings, for the failings of this world, and for how you failed to raise me to be an unimaginative, xenophobic young woman.
I have my own understanding of what is right and what is not, and I find that it is better than yours.
I do not think being same-sex attracted is evil and wrong.
I do not believe we should give our respect to those that don't deserve it simply because they were born before us, it doesn't make them wiser.
I do not believe woman are lesser than men.
I do not think that being an atheist immediately makes you bad.
I think, that thinking for yourself is important.
I believe, that everything must always be questioned.
I do not need you any longer. You have been outgrown.
I would also like to add that I am not dirty, and you have no right to judge me, you pathetic, sad little thing.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
WWP
One of the biggest problems that goes along with not believing in God is that there is no one to blame for the random bullshit that occurs.It's easier thinking that these things just happen because there is some omnipotent force that's fucking with you. That there was a reason for it happening.
And it's odd, that it is more comforting, to think that your God hates you. That you deserve the punishment.
But why is it more comforting?
Because chaos hurts so much more, because it could have happened to someone else but it happened to you.Because with chaos our world can end an uncountable number of times in an infinite number of different ways. People don't understand how close they come to dying everyday.
If they did, well fuck; World Wide Panic.
Chaos doesn't care.
Dear tiny human
Fuck you
Sincerely Chaos.
And it's odd, that it is more comforting, to think that your God hates you. That you deserve the punishment.
But why is it more comforting?
Because chaos hurts so much more, because it could have happened to someone else but it happened to you.Because with chaos our world can end an uncountable number of times in an infinite number of different ways. People don't understand how close they come to dying everyday.
If they did, well fuck; World Wide Panic.
Chaos doesn't care.
Dear tiny human
Fuck you
Sincerely Chaos.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Something I wrote a while back, bored so posting.
And it is always just a little bit surprising when the problems begin because for a little while things were okay. Although many things were going horribly wrong I felt nothing. (Which is probably a worry in itself?)
He was right about hope being corrosive.
And it wasn’t my fault at all this time. This time I had to act as the adult (which is hard when you’re about 30 years younger than the person you’re arguing with). It’s safe to say I hated the experience.
I guess I’m just a little tired.
Do you know that feeling you had when you were a child and your parents were yelling at you for something you didn’t do? And you’re telling them, No it wasn’t me.
And you try to get that across to them but they don’t listen and they just kept getting angrier because now you were Talking Back. And you’re standing there defending yourself, little hands balled into fists with your defiant expression, No I will not back down, I know I’m right and if you’re too stupid to see then I can’t help you but I will not let you blame me for something I didn’t do. But the tears are escaping though you did try hard to hold them in and the world is getting blurry and you feel so frustrated because Oh God Why Won’t They Believe Me? And the injustice of it all is so heart breaking and It Would Feel So Good To Just Throw Something and the urge to just scream is just so strong. One long straight scream filled with all the pain and unfairness, frustration and anger that they have instilled into your life with their false accusation and refusal to believe you. So you start attacking them with the only words you have, I Hate You and they get a stunned look on their face (Although during your teenage years you will use it so often the effect will wear off). How Dare You Say That To Us, We Raised You For so and so years, We Paid For Your Food, Your Clothing And Everything Else, Including Your Toys And This Is How You Repay Us? For God’s Sake I Carried You For Nine Months (and you were not a tiny baby). And then comes the banishment, and you’re curled up in your bed crying under the covers, hoping that those three words did to them what their accusation did to you. You hope that any minute now they will come in with their apologies and ask forgiveness but they never do. They never will.
It all gets worse until it gets to the point where you mean it every time you play the hate card. Oh Man do you hate them. Every single one of their mannerisms irritate you and Oh when they speak it makes you angry so angry, regardless of what their saying. What’s that? You want me to have a good day? Yeah, maybe if you left...Bitch.
He was right about hope being corrosive.
And it wasn’t my fault at all this time. This time I had to act as the adult (which is hard when you’re about 30 years younger than the person you’re arguing with). It’s safe to say I hated the experience.
I guess I’m just a little tired.
Do you know that feeling you had when you were a child and your parents were yelling at you for something you didn’t do? And you’re telling them, No it wasn’t me.
And you try to get that across to them but they don’t listen and they just kept getting angrier because now you were Talking Back. And you’re standing there defending yourself, little hands balled into fists with your defiant expression, No I will not back down, I know I’m right and if you’re too stupid to see then I can’t help you but I will not let you blame me for something I didn’t do. But the tears are escaping though you did try hard to hold them in and the world is getting blurry and you feel so frustrated because Oh God Why Won’t They Believe Me? And the injustice of it all is so heart breaking and It Would Feel So Good To Just Throw Something and the urge to just scream is just so strong. One long straight scream filled with all the pain and unfairness, frustration and anger that they have instilled into your life with their false accusation and refusal to believe you. So you start attacking them with the only words you have, I Hate You and they get a stunned look on their face (Although during your teenage years you will use it so often the effect will wear off). How Dare You Say That To Us, We Raised You For so and so years, We Paid For Your Food, Your Clothing And Everything Else, Including Your Toys And This Is How You Repay Us? For God’s Sake I Carried You For Nine Months (and you were not a tiny baby). And then comes the banishment, and you’re curled up in your bed crying under the covers, hoping that those three words did to them what their accusation did to you. You hope that any minute now they will come in with their apologies and ask forgiveness but they never do. They never will.
It all gets worse until it gets to the point where you mean it every time you play the hate card. Oh Man do you hate them. Every single one of their mannerisms irritate you and Oh when they speak it makes you angry so angry, regardless of what their saying. What’s that? You want me to have a good day? Yeah, maybe if you left...Bitch.
*Sigh*...
I should probably stop doing this until the Preliminary tests are over.
I'm just getting anxious about the HSC exams a year too early. I'm going to be honest, I want that year to be as easy as it possibly can be for me, so I don't think I can handle 12units. I'm already dropping business studies, and picking up 4unit English, but that still leaves me with 12 units. I have to decide between dropping Business studies, Music or Biology.
I think what's hard is that I don't exactly have a set goal ,I don't know what I am going to do in the future.
I know I want to be great, But how?
I've been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher but I don't think I would ever be happy with that, though it feels right...ish.
Or maybe a Criminologist, the human mind has always interested me.
A Librarian? It will give me quite a lot of free time which I can use to pursue other interests.
Journalism has been suggested to me a couple of times but it doesn't fit me. Or I don't fit it. I don't think I could ever enjoy it.
I used to want to be a film director but it's too competitive a field and I'm too realistic to go chasing dreams.
I like writing. I mean, my words don't exactly satisfy me, they are not yet good enough, but I enjoy it.
Being a writer full-time would not be realistic at all.
It's hard when you don't have anything to work towards.
I should maybe just worry about the Preliminary exams for now.
I'm just getting anxious about the HSC exams a year too early. I'm going to be honest, I want that year to be as easy as it possibly can be for me, so I don't think I can handle 12units. I'm already dropping business studies, and picking up 4unit English, but that still leaves me with 12 units. I have to decide between dropping Business studies, Music or Biology.
I think what's hard is that I don't exactly have a set goal ,I don't know what I am going to do in the future.
I know I want to be great, But how?
I've been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher but I don't think I would ever be happy with that, though it feels right...ish.
Or maybe a Criminologist, the human mind has always interested me.
A Librarian? It will give me quite a lot of free time which I can use to pursue other interests.
Journalism has been suggested to me a couple of times but it doesn't fit me. Or I don't fit it. I don't think I could ever enjoy it.
I used to want to be a film director but it's too competitive a field and I'm too realistic to go chasing dreams.
I like writing. I mean, my words don't exactly satisfy me, they are not yet good enough, but I enjoy it.
Being a writer full-time would not be realistic at all.
It's hard when you don't have anything to work towards.
I should maybe just worry about the Preliminary exams for now.
I'm a bit worried about where I am headed with life.
What I want, in the short-term, is to be able to graduate school with top marks. Get to university and pretty much fly through that because of how easy it is. I want to learn about EVERYTHING and remember it.
It's not what is going to happen. Why you ask? I am not a genius(though it can be agreed I am pretty fucking awesome), I don't study(Too many distractions like twitter and sleep)and I don't retain important information all that well.
So to do the things I want, I will have to work for it.
And the last request is pretty much out of the question.
*Sigh*...The fact that I spend too much time thinking about boys isn't helping. Damn hormones.
Now long-term, I want to be great.I will not settle for obscurity.
I don't doubt I will always be unsatisfied with my position in life.
I want to be remembered. I want to be in history books, I want people learning about my life a thousand years in the future, more than a thousand years. I want movies made about me, I want my name to be spoken in reverence. I want to rule the world, I want to fix the world. I want a great deal too many things.
...Will you remember me?
What I want, in the short-term, is to be able to graduate school with top marks. Get to university and pretty much fly through that because of how easy it is. I want to learn about EVERYTHING and remember it.
It's not what is going to happen. Why you ask? I am not a genius(though it can be agreed I am pretty fucking awesome), I don't study(Too many distractions like twitter and sleep)and I don't retain important information all that well.
So to do the things I want, I will have to work for it.
And the last request is pretty much out of the question.
*Sigh*...The fact that I spend too much time thinking about boys isn't helping. Damn hormones.
Now long-term, I want to be great.I will not settle for obscurity.
I don't doubt I will always be unsatisfied with my position in life.
I want to be remembered. I want to be in history books, I want people learning about my life a thousand years in the future, more than a thousand years. I want movies made about me, I want my name to be spoken in reverence. I want to rule the world, I want to fix the world. I want a great deal too many things.
...Will you remember me?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Ah the childhood memories.
we were happy with who we were, until they asked ask "Why should you be?" and we were too young to understand. So we blamed ourselves and changed.
Saturday's drama.
I don’t know what you expected to read on this blog, a witty observation on the society of today? An attack against so and so,, who’s opinions I disagree with? Perhaps you have come here for a quick laugh?
You will unfortunately find none of these things today, not here. I give you in its stead a piece of self-reflection.
I find that I am becoming increasingly unhappy with who I am, and I do not mean I am unsatisfied with my body.
There are these three guys.
One is twenty five with bad teeth, who might I add used to do drugs.
The second is a nineteen year old mechanic who wouldn’t even buy a $1 can of coke for charity (bit of a douche bag).
The third is seventeen, an okay guy, he’s nice and everything but a bit too hairy and my mothers friends son.
None of them are what I am usually attracted to. I mean they smoke, their Arabic (Hey I can say that because I am Arabic :p), bit thick and not the usual intelligent sarcastic bastards I love.
I feel bad for saying those things about number three and one; they are decent guys you know? I mean number one spent eight hours selling Krispey Kremes to raise money for Westmeads Children Hospital. Whereas that bastard number two wouldn’t even buy a single doughnut!
But basically how this all connects with my being unhappy with myself is this, I lead them on, all on the same day. See dating one and three is out of the question, and I might just be keeping two because…he is male? I don’t like him, at all really.
It might be best that I don’t like him, it makes it easier not to get emotional. I know relationships are supposed to be filled with emotions, such as fondness, but I’m just in it for the hugs, possibly for the make out sessions…
So I am the kind of girl who would go out with someone she doesn’t like.
My friends don’t like that, my family wouldn’t like it if they knew. They’ll never know.
It doesn’t matter to them, not having a male to be close to. I rather wish it wouldn’t matter to me, that would be awesome.
But it does, and I am a self-indulgent child.
I worry for myself.
You will unfortunately find none of these things today, not here. I give you in its stead a piece of self-reflection.
I find that I am becoming increasingly unhappy with who I am, and I do not mean I am unsatisfied with my body.
There are these three guys.
One is twenty five with bad teeth, who might I add used to do drugs.
The second is a nineteen year old mechanic who wouldn’t even buy a $1 can of coke for charity (bit of a douche bag).
The third is seventeen, an okay guy, he’s nice and everything but a bit too hairy and my mothers friends son.
None of them are what I am usually attracted to. I mean they smoke, their Arabic (Hey I can say that because I am Arabic :p), bit thick and not the usual intelligent sarcastic bastards I love.
I feel bad for saying those things about number three and one; they are decent guys you know? I mean number one spent eight hours selling Krispey Kremes to raise money for Westmeads Children Hospital. Whereas that bastard number two wouldn’t even buy a single doughnut!
But basically how this all connects with my being unhappy with myself is this, I lead them on, all on the same day. See dating one and three is out of the question, and I might just be keeping two because…he is male? I don’t like him, at all really.
It might be best that I don’t like him, it makes it easier not to get emotional. I know relationships are supposed to be filled with emotions, such as fondness, but I’m just in it for the hugs, possibly for the make out sessions…
So I am the kind of girl who would go out with someone she doesn’t like.
My friends don’t like that, my family wouldn’t like it if they knew. They’ll never know.
It doesn’t matter to them, not having a male to be close to. I rather wish it wouldn’t matter to me, that would be awesome.
But it does, and I am a self-indulgent child.
I worry for myself.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
*Pause*
I've been worrying a lot lately about time. Funnily enough this hasn't motivated me to stop wasting it. I've been handing things in late or half-arsing everything for school because I just don't want to do it. I know it's not because I can't, it's because I am an arrogant child who does nothing if she doesn't want to (Lies, I just put things off and get a mark I'm not proud of).
I'm kind of tired and I think it would be awesome if I had that remote from Click. I would just pause things mostly. Rest. Unpause. Assignment? Pause. Sleep. Unpause. Never fast forward because we know what happens when you do that, one day a young budding student at W.P.G.H.S. Next day a fat divorced man whose kids hate him. Not at all desirable.
Yeah I'm still procrastinating and not doing my essay.
It would be nice if the world ended for just a little while.
I'm kind of tired and I think it would be awesome if I had that remote from Click. I would just pause things mostly. Rest. Unpause. Assignment? Pause. Sleep. Unpause. Never fast forward because we know what happens when you do that, one day a young budding student at W.P.G.H.S. Next day a fat divorced man whose kids hate him. Not at all desirable.
Yeah I'm still procrastinating and not doing my essay.
It would be nice if the world ended for just a little while.
Procastinating
So I'm sitting here writing this instead of completing (beginning) my Ancient History essay which is due tomorrow. Not the smartest thing, but as I always do in times like this I blame someone else. This time it is a certain teacher that has gotten me interested in his blog..
To tell the truth I was already distracted and I realised-
Oh wait decision time.
Shall I or shall I not ask this person to keep me company on Saturday?
I shall ask. I will risk rejection if there is the slightest chance I won't be bored out of my mind crazy on the weekend. One time I got so bored I talked to a drunk person at night.
That backfired ( omg didn't see that one coming), he wouldn't leave me alone for months. I was going to confront him about it on the weekend but I saw him bend a metal pole and was like 'Fuck that, I will cower." I waited til someone noticed something wrong and asked me about it. Woolworths employee's saved me and I hid behind them. Nice one me. Totally avoided taking responsibility for that.
Awesome my asking paid off. Now to get to seducing.
To tell the truth I was already distracted and I realised-
Oh wait decision time.
Shall I or shall I not ask this person to keep me company on Saturday?
I shall ask. I will risk rejection if there is the slightest chance I won't be bored out of my mind crazy on the weekend. One time I got so bored I talked to a drunk person at night.
That backfired ( omg didn't see that one coming), he wouldn't leave me alone for months. I was going to confront him about it on the weekend but I saw him bend a metal pole and was like 'Fuck that, I will cower." I waited til someone noticed something wrong and asked me about it. Woolworths employee's saved me and I hid behind them. Nice one me. Totally avoided taking responsibility for that.
Awesome my asking paid off. Now to get to seducing.
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